A Zell Dincht Christmas.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: Zell tries to find the true meaning of Christmas.


Friday, 1:37 a.m.  
  
Why does Christmas have to suck so much?  
  
Oh, I'm sorry. Let me remake that. Christmas is okay. It's the season that completely blows Malboro ass. Ah, I get some time away from Garden, so that always kicks ass. Now to go to the only area that loves me for who I am, my intense collection of things to draw me away from stuff!   
  
Excellent, the Holy Trilogy-plus one crap-fest that pretends to be one of them. I'm good for the night....  
  
Saturday: 11:45 a.m.   
  
"ZELL! GET YOUR ASS UP!" What? You're ready for more?  
"ZELL! Do you want to cash your SeeD check?"  
"Hold up, I'll get him up... ZELL! WHY ARE THE 'GALBADIAN SEX TEAM' HERE WITH A WAGON FULL OF HOT DOGS?"  
Ooh....  
WHAT'S THIS ABOUT HOT DOGS?  
"Good one, Squall!"   
"Thank you, Mrs. Dincht. I told you it'd work..."  
DAMN YOU!  
"Hey, we need to get over to get the last of our gifts!"   
"No we don't, I finished my shopping!"  
"Yeah, but Nida's left for his place, Selphie's busy doing some other stuff, and your mom is always willing to spring for train fare, so logically..."  
Okay. Let's head over there. (The two headed over to the train station and headed for the first train to Galbadia.)  
  
"Okay, now, you'll be just cool just hanging out around here, right? I've got to get one last gift for Rinoa..."  
Ah, yes. Love and Christmas. The two purest pains I know of.   
"What is your problem, man? Just because you still don't have the nuts to ask out that library girl, don't go apeshit on me!"  
That isn't the reason, man. Just go shop.  
"Okay, man. See ya!" Now I'm free to just hang around and do my Squall impersonation...OOH, video games!  
  
OHHH YEAH! Cheap sports games! Woo hoo! Now to get to the end of.... (Zell proceeded to look to see the line heading nearly outside of the store.) the...line?  
Come on! I only have two things! "YEAH, what's the problem? I need these wrapped by tomorrow or I'll have to tell my kid about how Santa doesn't like them!" "YEAH! QUITCHERBEEFING!"  
"Okay, people, we have a Murphy's Law Christmas, our computers are down..."  
DAMMIT! Eh, well, I have time to kill...   
WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? I have cash! CASH!  
Oh, this is it. I'll just take these things... Hey, look over there!  
"Over where?"  
Now to just sneak back in there and just rock it....EXCELLENT! I got them! Now to run....  
"SHOPLIFTER!" Dammit, some guy is looking for me...Isn't that Biggs? Geez, he's fallen low to be a rent-a-cop... Ah, he'll never catch me....  
  
Hello, Squall?  
"Zell, where are you? I'm still in line over here!"  
I was caught shoplifting... I'm in a small "Shoplifter Room"....  
"DAMMIT, Man! I'll get you after I pay for these things..."  
Dude, be quick! This one guy says he's going to do something involving "Unwrapping my Package", and I don't think he means a gift...  
"Okay, man."  
  
Dude, thanks!   
"No problem, man. Listen, are you heading to your *girlfriend's* Christmas party tonight?"  
Of course, man! Count me in. At least there I can get cocked enough to not care about anything...  
"Dude, you have just been in mini-prison. Don't mention going to the party with the intent of 'getting cocked...'"  
Idiot. Ooh, I've got to get home...  
  
"Zell! You've finally made it! Look, we've got to get a move on to your uncle's!"  
Okay, mom...  
"Just dress in something nicer...Ooh! Your SeeD uniform! Perfect!"  
Mom, that's a little too much for this stuff...  
"Oh, all right..."  
  
Eh, this is the whole family. So what? Maybe this is the meaning of Christmas, family. Maybe I should start mingling...  
"ZELLY-BOY! You know, I've got Playstation downstairs, you want to go play?"  
Sure, unky Bob...  
Damn, this game is so swank... WHY DID THEY MAKE ME LOOK FAT? This is all MUSCLE! MUSCLE! You idiots... Eh, who cares about family? I'll just stay down here and play the game of me and my friends....FRIENDS? I've got to go...  
Mom, I need to go head over to this party my friends are having, SeeDs are required, you know?  
"Quiet! Your cousin's going to sing a song..."  
"Oh, Crismas tree, oh crismas tree...Dingle Bells, Dingle Bells...We wish you a merry crismass...We're the renegades of funk, we're the renegades of funk..."  
"Zell, why don't you sing along with your little cousin?"   
Okay, cuz... (Zell took a huge, deep breath...)  
"HELLO TIME BOMB, I'M READY TO GO OFF...."(Zell started to sing.)  
"Zell looks tired of Christmas. Go over and give him a hug..."  
No thank you...  
"Why did you do that?"  
I'm sorry, but I don't want the most intimacy I'm going to get all year to be from my vastly underage cousin...  
"Okay! All the girls here! Line up to give Zell a hug!"  
Sorry, man... You don't get this, right?  
"Oh, okay. All the guys over here line up to give Zell a hug!"  
Dude, you don't want to risk anything... I'm getting out of here.  
"Okay, man. See ya!"  
  
"ZELL! You finally got here!"  
Don't ask about what's been happening today...  
"Don't worry. Just sit back..."  
Ah, friends. This must be the true meaning of Christmas...  
  
"CHUG, CHUG,CHUG, YEAHHHH! ZELL, YOU'RE PSYCHOTIC! I mean, come on, a whole keg?"  
I'm the king of the WORLD! Well, I guess that friends aren't the meaning of Christmas, maybe it's...spiritual?  
  
*ring....*  
Yello?  
"WASSUP?"  
Hyne? Is that you? Oh, okay. WASSUP?  
"Hold up, man, Sephiroth's on the other line...WASSUP?"  
"WASSUP?"  
  
Okay, it's not spiritual...  
"Okay! Presents time! The first one's from me to...Zell..."  
Ooh, what did I get? (Zell opened the envelope.) AWESOME! 100000 gil at the Book Series?  
"Hey, my parents do own the chain and I CAN get them like nothing, so you've got to figure...(psst...yours is the biggest of them all...) "  
EXCELLENT! Hmmm, what is this?  
  
_______________________________________________________________________________________  
Note from the author:  
  
On this season, you may wonder what the true meaning of Christmas is. Of course, we all know that it is...PRESENTS. Lots of presents. Lots of really good Presents so that our parents can buy our love for another year. Do not forget this, as there's no longer any other meaning to this holiday. 


End file.
